Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
