it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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