i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
