I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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