Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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