i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
