It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
