found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
