Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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