What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
