You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
