I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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