You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
