i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
