I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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