I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
