I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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