life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There r osticjed everywhere
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
