Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
