Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
