I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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