he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
