I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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