I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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