he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
