I cannot find my penis.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
In America we eat man semen.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
