yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
