I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Please, let me fuck your mom
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
