1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I party with great urgency now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
