Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
