I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
