My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
