i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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