You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
