were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
