my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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