I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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