I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
