if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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