I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
