This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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