I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
