I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
