I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We are two peas in an std pod
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
