I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
