mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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