After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
