Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
