I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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