Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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