let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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