ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
