Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
